


not afraid to be kind

by glazed



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, F/F, blank slates, cosima wants to be a hero, dollhouse-ish, mind imprints
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-27
Updated: 2015-03-05
Packaged: 2018-03-15 10:50:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3444371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glazed/pseuds/glazed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>sci fi au, sorta loosely dollhouse inspired. and i mean very loosely. </p>
<p>delphine is a blank slate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The van door slid open silently, headlights off and obscured in the darkness of the alley. Long pale legs, only broken by a clingy black dress, emerged; heels an afterthought, a soft click on the pavement. The dress was the only luminous spot in the narrow breezeway, the slinky fabric interwoven with a shimmer. The blonde stood to her full height, the door shutting just as seamlessly behind her as she strode toward the yellow of the streetlamp and sidewalk.

 

_“So...this may be an unusual request,” The mousy-haired man chuckled awkwardly, the noise getting caught in his throat with spit. He shifted in his seat, his crooked teeth still peeking from his chapped lips._

  
_“Trust me, Mr. Smith,” The blonde stamped a business smile on her face, “Our company has successfully fulfilled even the most extravagant and extremely uncommon of requests.” Her severe bob barely swung as she leaned back in her leather seat, fingers steepling before her on the glass tabletop. “If you would prefer to simply write it out, it will be passed along to the necessary personnel…” She raised an intimidating eyebrow._

_“Um, uh...that won’t be necessary,” Scott cleared his throat again, settling his nerves. “It’s actually for my best friend. They just got dumped, so I kind of want to…”_

_“Stroke his ego?” Rachel Duncan filled in the blank._

_“Y-yes!” Scott nodded emphatically. “Um, but...I don’t want it to be too obvious...I don’t want my friend to know that I basically hired someone to flirt-”_

_“I understand completely, Mr. Smith.” The false smile stretched her lips again._

Her long legs drifted her towards the entrance of the restaurant on the corner. She saw the man in an ill-fitting suit jacket, hands wringing nervously in front of himself. As she emerged from the darkness, his eyes immediately jumped to her form, widening slightly. This was him.

  
“Scott?” She purred, a French accent slipping from her tongue tonight.   
  


“H-hi!” The man squeaked out, not needing to step forward as the blonde closed the distance and slipped an arm around his, tucking her body close.

 

“It’s so good to finally meet you. In _person_ ,” She was purring again.

 

“Y-yeah, you too…”  
  


“Please, don’t be afraid to call me _Justine_. I know it’s all been screennames up until now…” She smiled warmly at him, giving his arm a reassuring squeeze.

“O-ok. Justine.” Scott smiled back.

 

_“So she’ll think she’s just there for me, right?” Scott clarified, leaning forward while looking over the contract. “No purposefully wandering eyes?”_

_“No, just as you’ve requested.” Rachel boredly spun her pen between her fingers. This was an average assignment, much less unusual than the man before her made it out to be. She almost snorted at his innocence. “Let’s just hope your friend is as charming as he thinks he is,” Her smirk held a taunting edge this time._

_“Oh, she’s very hard to ignore.” Scott scratched his signature across the line and slid the papers back across to Rachel._

 

They walked through the front doors together, Scott immediately guiding her to the side of the restaurant closer to the bar. “I hope you don’t mind, it’s not just the two of us tonight,” Scott explained, still sweating at the proximity to his date. “Some of my friends wanted to meet up for a few drinks…” His eyes were scanning the crowd now until he spotted familiar heads.  
  
“Oi,” A voice gruffly called to them. Justine took in the two expectant gazes from slumped forms in a booth nearby.  
  
“Oh, hey, there you guys are…” Scott led them over, his eyes flicking back and forth between the two. His jaw tightened a little as he slid into the booth, Justine following him obediently. “Where is Cosima?” He hissed, almost inaudibly, but Justine’s hearing was very attuned. 

“Do you _really_ have to ask?” The man with a loosely buttoned shirt flicked his wrist apathetically, his accent was thicker than his companion’s. “She’s always late, but especially when she’s nervous,” He brought a pinched thumb and index finger to his lips and mimed a quick huff. His glinting eyes cut to Justine. “But maybe she actually has a good reason for social anxiety tonight... _Hello_ , darling,” His hand was thrust towards the blonde, who had been smiling politely throughout the awkward introduction. Perhaps there was due purpose behind getting to know Scott online before the date. “Felix.” He declared with a nod after their hands shook. He jerked a thumb towards the woman beside him. “This is Sarah, don’t mind her disposition. This place is just a little bougie for her tastes.”  
  
And it was true, Justine realized, running her eyes over the woman’s attire. The blonde felt nervously overdressed in front of the unyielding woman before her. She cleared her throat, gracious smile still in place. “ _Bonjour_ , I’m Justine.”

  
Felix smirked, eyes cutting back to Scott. He leaned forward towards her date, voice lowered. “Did you request that accent bit?”   
  
Scott shook his head, brows furrowing before he turned his attention away from Felix, eyes boring into the front door, willing it to open under his gaze. Delphine was beginning to feel strange. Most men that took her on dates _only_ wanted to focus on her, only wanted to run their eyes over her chest, down to her legs.   
  


“So, _Justine_ ,” Felix drawled again, perhaps attuned to the oddness settling over the group. “Are you employed, self-employed, a hobbyist?”   
  
“Employed,” Justine responded, grateful to pass the time with conversation that Scott was not interested in. “I’m a teacher. Second grade.” She smiled as flashes of her young students reeled behind her eyes.

“Oh, that’s so _wholesome_ ,” Felix grinned, appraising her appearance again. “And where did you grow up?”  
  
“New York, my parents moved there from France when I was sixteen. I went to school there as well,” Justine continued to tell her story, but still felt uneasy that her date wasn’t even listening to the conversation.  
  
“Oh thank god,” Scott visibly relaxed, wiping his forehead on the back of his sleeve.   
  
“Chill, Scotty,” Sarah finally spoke up, shoving him a beer from the handful the server had just delivered to the table. “She wouldn’t bail on her life’s current obsession,” Her lips mumbled around the top of her bottle, and Justine was sure the words weren’t meant for her ears but they confused her nonetheless.   
  
But then a new presence had arrived at the booth and Justine looked up to see the first genuine smile of the night and it was directed at _her_. As she began to open her mouth, something stopped her. Something was clicking in the back of her mind, but wouldn’t quite catch. Her eyes continued to stare into the open face, the thick black glasses perched on a compact nose that glinted with a piercing. Her mind was still a malfunctioning hard drive, ticking and never grabbing the right information.  
  
“Hi,” The woman finally breathed out, the greeting still solely directed at Justine. “I’m Cosima,” Her hand was outstretched expectantly.

The blonde obliged before she could think more, gently resting her hand in the other woman’s. And now the nagging was more of a tugging, a slight crease appearing between Justine’s eyebrows. This woman was comfortable, but a stranger. She felt as if a bell was tinkling somewhere within her head…

 

_The door chimed as she pushed it open. The bookstore was like her second living room at this point, her coffee still steaming in her hand. She wore the smile she always did when she entered, hoping today would finally be the day the man at the register would ask her name…_

_But before her eyes could continue their usual path to lock with Dan’s, something made her halt. A curious gaze from between two rows of shelves to her left. The same dark stare, the same dark frames..._

 

“Justine,” The blonde came back to herself in time to complete the introduction naturally. “ _Enchantée_.”   
  
Cosima’s small grin was once again not masked by pretense. 

“COS,” The two British friends echoed loudly from their side of the booth in greeting, both baring friendly fangs.   
  
The woman offered a small chuckle before sliding into the booth as well, right beside Justine. The blonde swallowed, she could feel the heat of Cosima’s arm against her own. She side-eyed the woman, studying her profile, the twist of her hair. Justine absorbed Cosima’s vibe. The sloppy bun of dreadlocks piled on top of her head, a slight musk of smoke and…  
  
“ _Lavender_ ,” The word softly slipped from her mouth before she even realized it. Cosima’s gaze locked with her own in knowing, her lips tugging up in a small smirk. Justine’s head was cloudy again as she pushed through fluffy filling desperately trying to access a memory. 

Cosima held her eyes for a moment longer, then leaned forward to catch Scott’s attention. “Hey there, Scotty,” She flashed a more irreverent smile. “Sorry for making you wait.”   
  
“Yeah, yeah, nice to see you too, Cosima,” The man almost rolled his eyes, his posture belying his actual relief at having his friend nearby.   
  
“Next round is on me,” Cosima offered in apology for her tardiness, he nodded again. Justine sat between the two, still awaiting the attention or affection she expected from her date. He pulled out his cellphone and started scrolling, much to her surprise.   
  
“Would you like a glass of wine?” Delphine snapped back to attention when she realized Cosima was looking closely at her. “Unless I’m being too presumptuous. You look like a wine drinker.” She was smiling warmly at the blonde, invitingly.   
  
Justine glanced at Scott, now playing a game on his small device, and decided _fuck it_. She turned her full attention towards Cosima. “I’m actually more of an Old Fashioned kind of woman.” She dipped her head in closer, her first true smile of the night peeking out enticingly to the brunette beside her.  
  
“Whiskey. Okay.” Cosima’s teeth were still visible, a hint of a laugh in her eyes. “I should learn to stop assuming preferences.” Justine expected a wink following the suggestiveness of Cosima’s tone, but the brunette slipped away from her side and sauntered to the bar. She let the distance shadow her outright appraisal of her new acquaintance. Her eyes trailed languid over Cosima’s form. She hadn’t been with a woman since college and her stomach fluttered at the thought of shifting her romantic attentions towards this woman instead of Scott.

That wasn’t why she was supposed to be at this bar, she was here for Scott. Sweet Scott who she chatted benignly with over a dating website, Scott who never pressured her for anything, not even pictures. Scott, who she was honestly entirely unattracted to in comparison to the warmth and sweetness of Cosima’s presence, the strength and smokiness of her form. The ache settled somewhere below her ribs, urged her to remember…  
  
“I like the way you look when you’re deep in thought.” Cosima eased back into the booth and gently pushed Justine’s drink over to her hands. Her grip settled over her short glass as she continued to stare into Cosima’s eyes, pondering the woman’s compliment. “I decided I’d follow suit,” Cosima gestured to her own Old Fashioned, centered on the small cocktail napkin. She was smiling again, trying to ease some words from Justine. “I uh, didn’t mean to creep you out. Or objectify you, sorry. I only meant most people in bars don’t usually looked so determined on concentrating…” Cosima’s hands started to swirl up in the air between them, digging invisibly at a way out of her possible offense.

“What’s your sign?” Justine blurted, her own mind whirring along for the ride, shouting _what_ and _why_?

Cosima’s mouth broke into a more relaxed grin now that the blonde was speaking. “I didn’t peg you as the astrology type,” Her eyes flicked over Justine’s features, as if seeing them anew for the umpteenth time. “I’m a Pisces. And you?”  
  
Justine’s mouth fell open and then closed. Her head was still spinning. Where did that question come from? She had never ascribed to astrological signs, she didn’t even _know_  her own. She racked her thoughts, surely she’s looked this up before? Surely she knew about astrology if she knew how to ask that question so casually?   
  
“I...I’m sorry,” Justine nervously laughed, head falling onto her hand as she brushed back blonde curls. “I don’t usually ask such things on a…” _First date_. She caught herself. “There’s just something so familiar about you. Like I know you, but I’ve never met you.”

Cosima nodded, closing the small distance between their shoulders until their skin grazed. “Maybe you’ve met me and you just forgot,” Cosima’s words were hushed, uttered behind the hand that her chin rested on.

“Impossible.” Justine did not drop her gaze.

 

_The surface of the water broke and bubbled over soaked curls that hung heavy against the blonde’s shoulders, temporarily straightening most of the kink. She broke into a laugh as oxygen rushed back to her lungs. She tugged along the surfboard until she could scoop it up under her arm. An older man watched her eagerly from a lounge chair placed near enough to the water’s edge. She stood before him now, still beaming._

_“You’re a work of art. I’ve never had such an amazing weekend in my entire life.” He was staring dreamily at her form, letting his eyes rake across her skin._

_The smile was still held in place, but her eyes scanned for the source of a different prickle on her skin, not from her date’s leer. And there, from beneath the shade of a large umbrella, a cat-like stare, unwavering behind thick frames…_

 

Justine was drawn from her closeness and conversation with Cosima at the movement of Felix and Sarah. The duo stood up, Sarah blearily eyeing the exit already as Felix said their goodbyes. “Well, we’re off. Sarah needs...uh, a change of scenery.” But she was already walking, a brusque “g’night” rolling away.   
  
“Bye guys!” Cosima called enthusiastically, her eyes finally removed from the blonde’s. At the commotion, Scott looked up, realizing it was just the three of them left.  
  
“Oh!” He exclaimed, eyes widening and meeting Cosima’s, who merely looked back amused. “I uh, you know! I have a thing, I gotta go. Uh, right now.” He slid out the other side of the booth, undisturbing the women’s coziness. “Justine, it was a real pleasure. I hope you don’t mind? I’m sure Cosima can help get you back home...” He did a half bow, half courtsey.

“No, no problem,” Justine’s eyes slid to her new companion, her actual date for the night, drinking in her soft skin. “I hope we talk again soon,” Justine tacked on, out of politeness.

“Bye, Scott. Thanks…” Cosima’s eyes snapped to Justine. “Um, see you later.”  
  
And with that he shuffled away, already staring at his phone again, this time mashing buttons out the door.

“So…” Cosima drawled, leaning even closer to the blonde. “Do you wanna stay for another?” She jingled the lone ice cube sitting at the bottom of Justine’s empty glass.  
  
“ _Oui_.” There was no hesitation.

 

\\\\\

 

Justine covered her mouth, hiccuping through laughter. “Cosima, I think you have a very... _skewed_ sense of the responsibilities of a youth educator.”   
  
“Come _on_ ,” Cosima’s grin had only grown over the past several hours, both of their levels of inebriation shortening the height of their defenses. “You have to teach them when they’re young to start reading subtext. How else are all the baby queers going to make meaning out of the world around them?

“They’re in second grade!” The blonde’s hand was warm and on Cosima’s upper thigh now. Justine had made the move unconsciously, but now the sensation was what she was most consciously aware of.

The brunette just smiled, dipping her head. “Well, I have some cartoons I can recommend…” She trailed off, lost in a happy smile directed at Justine.  
  
“Oh, really?” Justine pursued the thread, emboldened by the alcohol and the lateness of the night. “Perhaps you could give me a personal...pre-screening?” Cosima swallowed thickly, her eyes darting to Justine’s lips. The brunette was frozen, unspeaking and unmoving. Justine took the opportunity to lean in, lips brushing Cosima’s earlobe. “Maybe at your place?”

She pulled back, flushed with her confidence at making a move on her non-date who was a woman, who was a person who finally looked at her like she was _real_. Who asked her questions like her thoughts were worthy of publishing. But she watched the heave of Cosima’s chest and then noticed her heavy eyes. They hadn’t looked so burdened all night.  
  
“I would love to do just such a thing...but maybe you can hold me to it another night?” Cosima looked at the watch that obscured itself in her bracelets and bangles. Scott had only paid until 2am. No time to entertain fancies of the libido, even though it was her heart hammering.

Delphine’s eyes had fallen. She wasn’t used to rejection. She was used to undivided attention, nothing but wanting. Cosima watched her descent.  
  
“Hey,” The brunette moved her hand to cover the blonde’s in her lap. “I really like you...I just want to get to know you more.”

Justine looked up and saw the sincerity in Cosima’s eyes, saw the hungering lurking behind dark pupils respectfully shoved aside. For her.

“ _Oui_ ,” Justine nodded away her bruised ego. “Perhaps we can start the date alone next time, just the two of us…” Her heart couldn’t let go of the promise of a future engagement with the woman whose fingers were now laced with her own.

“Definitely.” Cosima’s smile was back, strong now. She glanced at her watch again, checking that it was almost 1:30am… “Hey, do you want a mint?” She asked suddenly, reaching into a hidden pocket and pulling out a small, nameless tin.   
  
Justine furrowed her brows, self-conscious again before watching Cosima pop one into her mouth first. “No pressure,” Cosima furthered, but there was something in her eyes that revealed a strong amount of meaning resting on this moment.  
  
“Okay,” Justine reached out, plucking a small circle and placing it on her tongue. Cosima’s eyes didn’t leave hers, searching for something…

There was a slight metallic tang to the mint, but Delphine attributed it to its metal home.

 

\\\\\

 

Outside, in the alley that Delphine had traipsed from at the beginning of the night, Paul Dierden cursed.

 

“Fuck!” He yelled to himself, his hands slamming down on the surveillance counter in the back of the van.

 

He had lost all audio signals.

 

\\\\\

 

Cosima was still staring at her in that expectant way, head slightly tilted to the right. Another moment of silence before she opened her mouth. “... _Delphine_?”

Delphine inhaled sharply, ringing sounding in her ears. What? “What?” She echoed.

 “Delphine? Are you okay?” Cosima’s hand was outright holding hers now.

“You…” The past images of Cosima swam in her mind again. She felt like she was short-circuiting. “I’ve seen you... I know you from somewhere…” Her heart rate was rising and she felt her throat closing. “Why do you keep calling me that?” She spluttered out, hand going to forehead.

“It’s your name.” Cosima spoke softly, barely moving her lips. “Your real name.”  
  
“No.” Delphine shook her head, willing clarity to return. She felt like she might faint. “Who _are_ you?” Her vision was swimming but she managed to focus it on Cosima once again, the woman’s concerned face shining like a moon.

“A friend,” Cosima whispered before pulling her into a tight embrace. Delphine’s nostrils filled with lavender before everything went black.

 

\\\\\

 

“What the _fuck_ happened out there, Mark?” Paul thrust a threatening finger into the programmer’s chest, back at headquarters with Delphine securely strapped down and plugged in. Mark was performing her mind wipe as Paul enacted his intimidation tactics.

“There must have been some interference in the bar...I’m sure it was nothing to worry about,” Mark’s face was calm, as composed as his surrounding electronics. “You lost audio for what, ten minutes?”   
  
“Fifteen.” Paul growled.

“And then you busted in there, making an ass of yourself right? Because Delphine was totally fine and on a totally normal date?”   
  
Paul’s jaw remained clenched.

“How did you play that one off? Overprotective brother?” Mark grinned a little evilly.

“I didn’t interrupt. But it was not normal. Her stats were spiking when I left the van…”  
  
“She was on a date. Ever think that maybe she was responding to uh, certain _stimuli_?” Mark was rolling from screen to screen in his chair now. The process was almost complete.

Before Paul could retort, a gentle ding sounded and Mark rolled over to Delphine, whose eyes slowly opened. “Hello, Delphine,” His smile was rehearsed but not insincere.

“Hello,” Nothing passed behind her eyes but calmness. Her voice lacked an accent.

“Would you like to go to your appointment with Dr. Hendrix? Paul is always so concerned about your health, it’s just a check-up.” Mark barbed his co-worker but remained gentle in his speech.

“Sure,” Delphine agreed automatically, evenly walking from the room. Paul trailed after throwing one parting sneer in Mark’s direction.

 

///

 

“Hello, Delphine,” The doctor greeted brightly, her words crisply enunciated. Her eyes flicked to Paul in acknowledgement.   
  
“Hello, Doctor Hendrix.” Delphine moved to the table and sat down, a reflexive programming.

“If you don’t mind, Paul…” Dr. Hendrix gestured toward the door for patient privacy.   
  
“Not at all, Alison,” He left the room curtly, still frustrated at the limits of his position as a handler.

“How are you feeling today, Delphine?” Alison was back in front of her patient, proceeding with the normal exam. Delphine allowed her heart to be listened to, her blood pressure monitored.

“I feel...light,” Her mouth turned up into a smile. Alison smiled back

 “How so?”

“I slept really well,” Delphine determined with a nod. But she hesitated. “And I was having the best dream before I woke up.” 

Alison smiled to herself as she turned around. Her heart thumped a little heavier. It was working. That dreadlocked hacker was actually working and…  
  
“Doctor?” Delphine ventured at Alison’s stillness near the cabinets.

“That’s a great feeling, isn’t it?” Alison spun back around now, a syringe in her hand. “Sometimes I just want to fall right back to sleep when that happens, let myself fall right back into that world.” She smiled at her patient again, warm and friendly.

Delphine met her smile. She paused, her eyes drifting back into a memory. She returned to Alison as the doctor drew nearer. “I think...I think I met someone in my dream,” The blonde’s smile was secretive, almost childlike now in earnestness.

Alison’s own eyes widened at the revelation. She flicked the syringe a few times, now uncapped. “Just a small injection of those vitamins again…” She explained away the shot to her patient, but the blonde nodded compliantly without pause. “So, tell me more about this dream lover,” Alison was smiling conspiratorily now, leaning in like she and Delphine were dishing over lunch, like they were real friends. “Tall, dark and handsome?”

“No…” Delphine trailed off, eyes feeling a bit fuzzy again as the needle pierced her arm. “Small and soft...and...and like flowers.” Delphine giggled at her description, realizing how nonsensical it sounded now. She couldn’t even remember a face from her dream, just vague impressions.

Alison smiled at her description, her mind still racing with the knowledge that they were actually pulling this off. She had invested over a year, spent endless days poking, prodding and treating these “actives,” and they were actually going to get someone out of this limbo. “You know, my mother used to say, ‘There is a flower that bees prefer.’” She smiled simply at her patient, watching a flash behind the blonde’s eyes. Delphine almost frowned with the thought, but Alison was already helping her to her feet. “You’re good to go, Delphine. Tip-top shape.” Delphine returned her smile with a nod this time, floating away from the doctor.

 

\\\\\

 

“It’s actually fucking working.” Cosima slammed the large door of Felix’s loft shut behind her. Felix, Sarah and Scott all sat in the living room, awaiting her arrival. Scott was busy clacking keys on the laptop before him, the other two sat swirling more bottles of beer.

“Hoorah to the master of memory! The unlocker of secrets. The picker of--”

Cosima cut off Felix’s alcohol-fueled speech, “I’m _serious_. She remembered me tonight. She remembered me from her past assignments. This is... _huge_ , to say the least. Scotty, back me up here?” The excitement was billowing off of her body with their progress. This was the first time she had achieved recognition of past events. Just because her friends were too surly and drunk to appreciate it didn’t mean she wasn’t going to ride out the high a little longer.  
  
Unfortunately, Scott wasn’t as sure of her success. “As much as all of that is good,” Cosima glared at his words, so he doubled back. “I mean, it’s progress. Great progress. But I’m more worried about the attention on our security breach? Her handler definitely noticed something was wrong…”  
  
Cosima tried to ignore Scott’s fear, just as she had tried to shove aside her own in the moment Paul pushed through those doors to the bar, angry eyes searching for Delphine. Cosima recognized him immediately, tried to control the rapid throbbing up her throat, willed that this was not the end of their mission, that she hadn’t compromised herself so easily… But then he had turned, his eyes glancing against Delphine and seeing that all was well, as he directed himself inconspicuously towards the bar.

“It was a loss of audio for no more than twenty minutes. Their tech crew is gonna say it was just a glitch. No biggie,” Cosima shrugged off Scott’s worry, just as she had shrugged off her own. She grabbed a beer from the fridge before sandwiching herself on the couch beside Scott. “But if you’re really worried about it…” She wiggled her fingers at him for the laptop. He obliged. “We can just go in and make sure they can’t access the reports from this assignment. Scrambled or sunny-side up?” Cosima joked, poorly, as she began corrupting Dyad’s assignment report. She squinted at the screen, splicing carefully to erase herself, but making the date with Scott read more normally.   
  
“Are you sure tampering with an already questionable assignment record so soon after it happened is such a good idea?” Scott was nervously tapping his fingers against his leg in the absence of his keyboard.  
  
“Better now than later when Paulie wants to go snooping through Delphine’s experiences. Ugh,” Cosima’s own inebriation was swelling again, her distaste for the handler apparent on her face.

“And what exactly would you call what you’re doing then?” Sarah finally chimed in, eyes bleary with drink.

Cosima scoffed in her friend’s face, shoving her shoulder. “ _Not_ snooping.”  
  
“But you’re _prying_. You’re inserting yourself into someone else’s mind. Someone else who has enough mindfucks going on on the regular…” Sarah slung back another chug. “You don’t know her, Cos. Yeah you’ve studied her and have this... _thing_ for her now, but you still don’t know her. And she doesn’t know you.”  
  
“But I _know_ that what they’re doing to her is wrong! She’s like...a walking shell. They program her with whatever they want her to be. And then they rent out her body to whoever wants to use it in whatever way. I think _that_ is way more fucked up than _me_ trying to help get her out.” Cosima was getting defensive, the laptop had been shoved back into Scott’s hands as she turned to more fully confront her friend.

“Maybe she doesn’t need your help. Maybe this was her choice.” Sarah’s voice had receded in aggression, leveling off after noticing the agitation she had stirred within Cosima.

“Bullshit,” Cosima growled, uncharacteristically sullen and swallowing beer fast.

Sarah placed her hand on Cosima’s arm, Felix winking at his sister as he slid her a joint to offer the offended woman. “Hey,” Cosima looked at the tone of Sarah’s voice, eyes instantly landing on the joint. “All I’m saying is you’re not meant to be everyone’s savior. It doesn’t always work that way. The job is long over, you gave all the necessary information to her parents, you got _paid_.”

Cosima nodded, ire retracting. She took the peace offering and sparked the end, inhaling deeply. “I know, Sarah.” Her eyes glazed as she huffed a few more times before passing along the joint. She let her head fall, neck slack, against the back of the couch. “But it doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trying.”

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

“C’mon Sarah, please!” Cosima squinted in the bright sunlight, trotting after an escaping Sarah who sought out her car. “Alison says the injections are working! She’s having _memories_!”

 

Two months had passed since Cosima’s first real encounter with Delphine. She monitored Delphine’s following assignments closely, inserting herself when she thought she could get away with it. Leaving behind lavender traces the blonde unconsciously tucked away. Stealing glances from within ever heavy frames, her heart always quickening when she was near the blonde.

 

“I don’t know why you’re still fuckin’ around with this, Cos,” Sarah’s voice was getting gravelly, her friend recognized the ominous sign.   
  


“Because…” Cosima halted her chase, stared down at her hands. “Because I wanna know her, okay!” Sarah finally turned at Cosima’s pleading edge. “Because I don’t think she deserves to just be...a blank that people fill in when they wanna play with her.” Her tone had softened, gaining its own crackling quality.

 

“So what, you wanna play house with her instead?” Sarah was blunt, but not scathing.

 

“ _No_ ,” Cosima’s tone grated before she collected herself. “I want _her_ to be able to choose how she lives her life. What type of person she wants to be for the day, who gets to touch her, when she gets to read a fucking book. They control _everything_ about her, Sarah.” Her eyes were round and Sarah recognized her friend’s sincerity.

 

Sarah exhaled slowly and let her back fall heavily against the metal of her car door. “ _Fine_.” And there was that brilliant smile breaking across Cosima’s face before her body forcefully collided with Sarah’s.

  
“Thank you,” Cosima breathed in her ear, another quick squeeze before she pulled back.

 

“I still think you’ve got the hots for her though, and I still think that’s highly ethically questionable of you.” Sarah pushed her off fully, standing back up.

 

“I told you about the part where _she_ asked _me_ to take her home, right?” Cosima stepped back with a small smirk.

 

“And you were the one just explaining to me how she has no self-will, _right_?” Sarah shifted forward barbingly.

 

“I didn’t say that she was completely mindless! They just keep erasing her identity, her sense of self! Plus, she was imprinted to be Scott’s date. No creepy obligation to me or anything,” Cosima concluded.

 

“Sure, because it’s _really_ hard to outcharm Scotty, innit?” Sarah looked self-satisfied.

 

“Whatever,” Cosima rolled her eyes before turning around to walk back to the loft. “I’ll email you your mission!” She twirled back to shout at Sarah, who was already shaking her head.

 

“Don’t call it a mission,” She muttered, tugging open her car.

 

\\\\\

 

“Your sister needs a sitter?” Rachel rose an eyebrow.

 

“Well yeah, but uh, more than that really…” Sarah took a deep breath. She couldn’t believe she was doing this, involving _Helena_ for Cosima. “My sister has special needs...we didn’t have a great childhood. We didn’t even know each other for the first twenty years of our lives…” Sarah stopped herself from continuing. “Anyway, she has a real hard time. Connecting. Especially to other women around our age. She never had a mother figure, y’know?” She eyed Rachel with measure, gauging the woman’s reception.

 

“Dyad is not exactly a _daily_ clientele service. There are other such escorts…” Rachel had already begun to reach for a small black book on her desk.

  
“No no, I can’t afford any more than once, anyway.” Sarah brushed off her suggestion. “I just want a solid, positive experience for Helena. Just to let her know it doesn’t have to always and only be me looking out for her, other people’ll care for her too.”

 

Rachel shifted her eyes back to Sarah’s face, scanning mechanically. After another several bated moments in which Sarah was sure she had failed Cosima’s “mission,” Rachel spoke. “I believe we could give your sister a very positive experience, Sarah.”

  
Sarah swallowed. “Thank you, Ms. Duncan.” She didn’t know that her anxiety was any lessened.

 

\\\\\

 

Sarah left them alone only after watching Delphine make the most Martha Stewart worthy stack of blueberry pancakes for a gaping, gleaming-eyed Helena whose barstool rocked back and forth in anticipation. Sarah flipped her keys over in her hands, lingering in the hallway before taking a deep breath and leaving the building as ordered by Cosima.

 

Helena’s fork didn’t cut the pancakes into pieces, more impaled and then shoveled into her mouth, syrup nothing to be feared and sloshed freely. The taller blonde watched with a small smile on her face. Helena reminded her of her younger sister, reminded her of their small apartment, of long nights and heavy sobs, endless shifts to afford another month of the same. She cleared her thoughts with a sigh, returning to Helena again. She needed to focus on who she was still helping, she always would in memory of her sister.

 

“Maxine?” Helena was speaking around the final quarter of her pancakes, already crumbling in her mouth.

 

“Yes?” Maxine’s voice was soft, on the verge of a tremble, but carried conviction.

 

“Do you like coffee?” Helena had swallowed now, hands wiped on the front of her jeans where the maple residue would remain tacky all day.

 

“Sure,” Maxine smiled, moving towards a cabinet to begin searching for beans or grounds.

 

“No,” Helena grabbed her hand, still sticky, involving Maxine in the mess as well. “We buy it, from professional coffee maker.” Helena showed her all of her teeth, less like a smile, more like a display. And then Maxine was trailing behind her ward. Sarah hadn’t mentioned specifically not to leave their home…

  
  
\\\\\

 

“Here,” Their hands were still stuck together as Helena pulled them through the front door of a small café. It was only a few blocks from their home, Maxine allowed Helena this freedom without worry. There was no line and Helena marched them straight in front of the register. The employee was already smirking at them, hip cocked and back slouched. “Here is the professional, Felix,” Helena smiled, no teeth this time, at her brother.

 

“Good morning, Helena. Who’s your new friend?” Felix acknowledged the blonde, scanning her eyes for recognition of their past meeting. Maxine barely paused, her mind processing her environment, relaxing now that she knew Helena was a regular here.

 

“Maxine.” Helena tugged her forward by her wrist, finally letting their hands snap apart. “She makes enough pancakes to make me full.” Helena was smiling again.

 

“Lovely,” Felix murmured, glancing behind them into the café before returning back. “Helena always gets the biggest latte possible, what would you like?” He asked Maxine.

 

“Oh, um, perhaps the smallest latte possible then,” Maxine’s smile was guarded, but polite. She moved to find her wallet, but Felix waved her off.  
  


“No worries. Helena’s family.” He winked at her before gliding to the espresso bar to begin their drinks.

 

Helena had already started weaving through the tables, predetermined on a favorite Maxine had yet to realize. But then she saw _her_ and she felt her lungs flood. She shushed the naive voice in her mind that screamed ‘ _this is what love at first sight feels like!_ ’ That was not how life worked, that wasn’t how _Maxine’s_ life worked. She had never even kissed another woman.

 

And then Helena was sitting down at the table with her, plopping herself unceremoniously entitled to the spot. The stranger’s eyes rose to meet Helena’s before a warm smile graced her face. Maxine felt an even hotter flooding through her ribcage. She began to move forward without thought, drawing nearer to the pair sitting amicably.

 

As she approached, she drew the eyes of the stranger, and there was that feeling again, a trembling around her heart. It only increased as her eyes didn’t leave Maxine.

 

  
“...Helena?” Maxine was hesitant to speak now that she was so near to _her_.

 

“Sit,” Helena grabbed her arm and pulled her into the seat beside her, directly across from the unknown woman. Then her nose was hit with the scent, finally not maple syrup. It was soothing and dreamy, this woman felt like a past home. “This is my table, where I always sit,” Helena explained, still ignoring the fact of the previous occupant.

 

“I hope you don’t mind…” Maxine’s eyes found the other woman’s, and she knew she was stuck in them like molasses.

 

“Not at all,” Her smile was living, it was everything Maxine thought she should feel. “This is also my favorite table, so Helena and I share it often.” Her eyes still hadn’t left Maxine’s.

 

“Yes, Dreads has good taste in some things,” Helena grabbed the latte Felix had just dropped before them, ignoring the scalding temperature of the beverage. “Like hair, and coffee, and tables. Dreads would love your pancakes, too, Maxine.” Helena nodded, firm in her compliment.

 

“Oh, um, call me, Max, really,” And she didn’t know why, but Maxine had directed this at the stranger, "Dreads," which surely could have only been Helena’s given name, based upon the locks piled on top of her head. The woman was grinning again now.

 

“Pancakes sound great, Max.”

 

And god, just hearing her say her name with a smile on her face was driving Maxine to want to hide her head in the ground, an unlikely ostrich. And was she seriously blushing over the suggestion of pancakes? “Um uh,” Maxine stuttered for traction, eyes finally landing on the thick tome on the table. “What are you reading?” Any diversion from the woman’s intent gaze on her face.

 

And now Maxine allowed herself to greedily swallow the woman’s expression as she looked down to her book, another genuine smile filling her mouth and a look on her face as if she had been waiting her whole life for Maxine to ask her that question. “Emily Dickinson. Have you read any?” Cosima spun the book around to be right-side up in offering to the blonde.

 

“No,” Maxine’s voice quavered minutely, embarrassed at her lack. “I um, I didn’t have much time for poetry and prose during my schooling…”

 

Cosima was nodding in understanding. “I think you’d like it. If you ever find yourself looking for something new to read.” She shrugged, her friendly smile still in place.

 

The comfortable silence was quickly broken by Helena letting her empty cup clank noisily to the table. “Maxine, we must go now.” Her chair was shoved back abruptly as she stood. Her hand clenching in the air, awaiting Maxine’s. The blonde obliged and was pulled to her feet. “Outside. We will people watch at my other favorite spot to sit.” Helena was trying to tug her along, but Maxine felt her heels dig into the old wooden floor. Felt her heart straining against her chest to remain near the brunette still seated. Their eyes held in silent but mutual longing before their concentration was broken by Helena’s voice. “Dreads, come too.”

 

And now the three of them were trailing along Helena’s lead, Maxine finding herself between her two companions, stealing glances over her left shoulder at “Dreads” who struggled to keep up but not near close enough for Maxine’s liking. After several more blocks of shoving awkwardly between other pedestrians at Helena’s insistence, they finally reached the shaded several-block span of grassy park. Helena was determined as before to reach her bench, and only let go of Delphine when she had assumed her perch.

 

Maxine watched on in bewilderment as Helena shoved inside her coat pocket to pull out a soggy and lint covered pancake from earlier in the morning. Helena methodically deconstructed it into tiny pieces which she slowly began tossing to the pigeons several feet away. Her meditation on the task made Maxine feel unnecessary before she realized the brunette had been quietly studying her from the other end of the bench.

 

“This is usually what she means when she says people watch,” Cosima spoke softly.

 

“You spend time with her outside of the café then?” Maxine tried to make her movement closer discreet. If she could just feel the warmth radiating from her…

 

“When I can, yeah. I uh...friends of the family, you know,” The gentle smile was back on her lips, and suddenly Maxine couldn’t stop staring at her mouth. And couldn’t control the way her body was automatically leaning in closer…

 

The lavender wrapped her up again. “You smell very nice,” She husked, accidentally falling into flirting that her mind could barely keep up with.

 

Cosima’s teeth were showing again. “Wait here,” She held up her finger to indicate her momentary absence and Maxine watched her wander off, seemingly aimless until she struck a direction decidedly, like a dog on a scent. She disappeared behind some bushes and Maxine felt her thoughts slip into fantasy, of regular weekends in the park with this woman, both keeping warm over coffee, shoulders brushing, heat from the friction…

 

Cosima had returned, her right hand behind her back. She sat down and brought out her prize on an extended and open palm. It was a small sprig of lavender, just plucked. Maxine reached out without hesitation, her fingertips grazing Cosima’s palm deliciously. She brought the plant before her nose, inhaling deeply without breaking her gaze which had fallen again into Cosima’s brown eyes.

 

“‘There is a flower that bees prefer,’” The words had barely finished rolling off of Cosima’s tongue and into her breath before Maxine’s heart was scattering rapid, head swimming. She felt dizzy and tingling, awakened and unconscious all at the same time. She blinked several times before letting her eyes close and bringing her fingers to her forehead. Cosima’s hand was gently on her shoulder in reassurance. What were these memories bubbling up? Maxine couldn’t place the vision of the woman in the white coat...but she was gone before she could try again.

 

“What is that? Where are those words from? I know I’ve heard them before...” Maxine finally opened her eyes, she looked distraught.

 

“It’s a poem,” Cosima explained, still soft in her speech. She tapped a finger on top of the book that now sat beside her. “Maybe you know more than you think.” Her smile didn’t hold any deception but Maxine got the distinct feeling that there was an implication behind her words. The blonde’s head still felt heavy and confused.

 

She found the lavender in her hand again and inhaled. It helped to ease the creeping anxiety. She sighed and let her back lean fully into the bench, but the movement shifted her even closer to Cosima, and now their arms _were_ barely touching, the heat was palpable. And this all felt so familiar, Maxine was sure she had done this before…

 

She heard a small sigh from Cosima before the woman was glancing at her watch, eyes wide. “I’m so sorry,” She sat up quickly. “I just realized I’m late, and I have to go catch a bus…” She gestured into the distance. She got to her feet and stared at Maxine for several moments before she determined her words. “Your company was lovely, Max,” Her smile seemed sadder this time.

 

“Wait,” Maxine had reached out and grabbed her hand to halt her. “I don’t even know your name…”

 

“Isn’t it more romantic this way?” Cosima joked, but Maxine’s face remained serious.

 

“What if I want to see you again?” The blonde didn’t know what she was doing but everything was propelling her to hold onto the person before her.

 

“I’ll find you again. I promise.” And now all that remained in Cosima’s gaze was a seriousness to her claim.

 

Maxine hesitated, sharing the charged moment before she nodded. Without giving it more thought, she brought Cosima’s hand towards her mouth, dropping her lips chastely against her knuckles. “Goodbye,” she almost whispered the word after the soft kiss.

 

“Bye.” Cosima held eye contact for several heavy seconds longer before turning and rushing away.

 

\\\\\

 

“Dr. Hendrix?”

 

“Yes, Delphine?” Alison was shining her pocket light into Delphine’s eyes. She moved on to look in her ears.

 

“Do you...ever read poetry?”

 

The question made Alison freeze. This was it.

 

“Sometimes, yes,” Alison tried to steady her voice.

 

Delphine was quiet as she thought about her next words. “I think...I would like to read some poetry.”

 

Alison swallowed, she could feel herself beginning to sweat. “I could bring you some, if you’d like?”

 

Delphine’s small smile was all the indication Alison needed.

 

“Dr. Hendrix?”

 

Alison murmured a quiet “mhm” this time, listening to the stethoscope.

 

“I want to read poetry about _flowers_.”

  
Alison could simultaneously hear her own and Delphine’s heart rate increase.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay here is the last installment. thank you all for reading and leaving kind words.

“It’s gotta happen soon. I’m not waiting any longer.” Another month had passed and Cosima was impatient. There wasn’t any more time.

 

“Cosima,” Scott groaned, shoving aside the trinket in his hands in frustration.

 

“Alison says she agrees! This is it, this is our chance.” She walked over and picked up the necklace Scott had just discarded. “So is this actually going to work?” She dangled the charm in front of her business partner.

 

“I don’t know, Cosima,” Scott monotonized his voice and grabbed his technology-in-progress back. “Hopefully by tomorrow, it’ll work well enough. Better than the mints, at least.”

 

“And what about the phone call? Is that gonna work? Because--”

 

“Cosima! You know we don’t know if anything is actually going to work!” Scott didn’t usually sound so tense, Cosima backed off.

 

“Well, we’ll make it work. I trust you,” Cosima smiled, trying to ease the tension. “And you should make the inset on the necklace turquoise.” She winked at him.

 

He almost laughed at her. “What? Seriously?”

 

“Yeah, make it turquoise. What’s the big deal?”

 

“ _Exactly_ , what’s the big deal? What’s it matter?”

 

Cosima’s cheeks had already begun to color. She rolled her eyes at her friend and turned to walk off. “Whatever.”

 

Hours later, Scott left the finished _turquoise_ necklace in its box and waiting for the morning.

 

///

 

_“I’m gonna be honest…” Cosima’s palms were puddles, but she kept her hands in her lap, away from notice. “I’ve seen which active I’d like to request…”_

_“Oh really, Ms. Childs?” Rachel’s steely gaze shifted._

_“Please, call me Beth,” Cosima swallowed nervously. “But yeah, my friend had an arrangement with Dyad. He told me about her, about your company. Um, she’s blonde and well, gorgeous…” Cosima play-acted at being moonstruck, but it wasn’t very forced._

_“Yes, I think I know the active you speak of,” Rachel nodded. It wasn’t uncommon to receive a referral after a particularly lasting impression on company._

_“Cool,” Cosima breathed. “You know how bad break ups go,” She gestured with her hand. “Sometimes you just need a date with the most attractive person you’ve ever seen to make you feel ready to live again.” She offered a weak and nervous smile in comparison to her usual grin._

_“Of course, Beth.” Rachel had already shoved the paperwork across the table._

 

///

 

Cosima took deep breaths in the back of the chauffeured sedan. The plan tumbled in her mind over and over again, to the point that she forgot she was even acting as if she was about to go on a date with Delphine. But then there the blonde stood, expectant, her form near lilting in the breeze outside. Cosima scrambled to open her door and tumbled out clumsily. She wore pants and a fitted blazer tonight, fearful of physical confrontation and quick getaways.

 

Delphine’s eyes were already on her, and the blonde strode forward confidently. “ _Bonjour_.”

 

“Hello, Justine,” Cosima couldn’t help her smile as she offered her hand to the blonde and helped her into the car. Rachel hadn’t blinked when she requested the persona imprinted on Delphine when she had met her through Scott’s assignment.

 

“Beth, you look _lovely_ tonight,” She was purring through her accent again, leaning in comfortably towards Cosima. She sighed into Cosima’s ear as lavender washed her senses. “You really are my favorite date,” she breathed dreamily, and Cosima’s heart quickened. How far had the memory wipes degraded? What sort of patchwork past could Delphine recall?

 

“I couldn’t be any luckier to spend the night with you,” Cosima mumbled, guiltily wrapping an arm around Delphine’s shoulders and settling into the contact. She argued internally with Sarah’s voice, her moral questioning; she had to keep up the pretense of the assignment she had laid out with Dyad. She had to play the part, as much as Delphine did.

 

Delphine inhaled again, her head nuzzling into the crook of Cosima’s neck. Words were vaguely echoing in her head, but she didn’t try hard to grasp them underneath the safe feeling arm. All she could think of was Beth. Beth and _flowers_ …

 

///

 

They had finished their meal over an hour ago, well into a third glass of wine each as Cosima scolded herself for falling into the game so easily. Delphine made it feel like it was a real date, it _was_ a real date to her. She tried to ignore how it was the best first date she had been on, before she realized that it could technically be considered her third date, but did the first two really count…

 

“What are you thinking, chéri?” Cosima refocused on Delphine’s visage, stomach falling as she realized the loving gaze directed at her. The blonde’s cheeks were ruddy from the wine, a tipsy but pleased grin unwavering.

 

“How much I like you,” Cosima responded honestly, her inevitable feelings becoming fully formed.

 

“Oh, really?” Delphine leaned closer with a giggle. “Are you actually gonna take me home with you this time, then?” She didn’t even know what the words meant as they left her mouth, her head cloudy with wine and past impressions, the feeling of Beth’s muscular thigh underneath her palm. And why wasn’t she touching Beth right now? She decidedly placed her hand on her date’s knee.

 

Cosima’s mouth hung slack for several beats before she recovered. The plan kicking back into place, she reached inside her jacket. “I have a present for you,” She explained, offering the velvety blue box to Delphine.

 

The blonde took it excitedly, her buzz egging on her eagerness. She flipped open the lid and froze as she gazed at the blue stone and gold chain. Her smile was back twice as strong as she leaned across the table and pressed a kiss into the corner of Cosima’s mouth. “I didn’t think I had ever told you what my favorite gem was,” Her eyes were sparkling with adoration.

 

Cosima was truly blushing through it all. She swallowed the remainder of her glass quickly, anything to obscure the bright bloom across her cheeks. After she put the glass back down she offered her hands, “Here,” and gingerly leaned forward to clasp the necklace around Delphine’s neck. The blonde’s rosiness increased as she gathered her curls and brushed them aside, clearing Cosima’s path. Gentle finger brushes made her shiver, her skin prickle, and then Cosima had already pulled back, her eyes shining honestly.

 

Internally, Cosima waged her outright attraction to Delphine and her thundering heart, willing Scott’s technology to prove itself. Her phone buzzed in her pocket, she glanced down to see the assurance she was hoping for. _Dyad’s down and out. Make your move now._

 

She glanced back up to Delphine who was mid lip-bite, her fingers delicately tracing the jewelry on her chest, eyes locked decidedly on Cosima. “Hey,” Cosima paused as Delphine watched her expectantly. “Want to get out of here? Like, right this second?”  
  
Delphine was grinning again. “I like when you grow impatient,” The blonde offered her hand regally to her date, Cosima quick to deposit a handful of cash on the table before grasping the blonde’s hand and pulling her to her feet. She spun Delphine around, interlocking their fingers as she led them towards the rear of the restaurant. “Exiting out the back?” Delphine was a little thrilled by the game. “Is there something you’re not telling me? Paparazzi out front?” She was leaning close to Cosima again.

 

The brunette pushed open the heavy door and they stumbled out into a darkened alley. “Trust me, they’d only want pictures of you,” Cosima didn’t try to hide the anxiety in her tone as she peered into the darkness, scanning for any signs of Paul.

 

Delphine didn’t notice, more concentrated on the feeling of her hand in Cosima’s, the surging of her blood when her body pressed into the other woman. “Wait,” She tugged on Cosima’s hand, halting her.

  
“What’s wrong?” Cosima had turned, eyes frantic.

 

“I never thanked you for my gift,” Her hand lightly touched her chest again.

 

“Oh-” Before Cosima could shrug off the comment, Delphine pushed her not lightly into the brick wall of the building, the dimness of the alley hiding the darkness of the blonde’s eyes. Cosima’s chest thumped with the impact and her heart rate.

 

“‘There is a flower that bees prefer,’” Delphine’s breath ghosted over Cosima’s mouth and then the blonde pushed forward, connecting their lips with resumed urgency. Cosima felt the grit of the brick on her back before being consumed with the softness but urging desire of Delphine’s lips. She forgot about the mission entirely. She could only think about the woman clutching on and pressing into her with wanting, the woman who _remembered_ her.

 

Delphine pulled back first for breath, face still close and breath still hot. Her lipstick was smudged and Cosima felt the hunger settling low in her body, returning the look in Delphine’s eyes. “Take me home.” And Cosima was embarrassed that Delphine was the first to say it, that she had forgotten about the jeopardy that could pull up in a van at any moment.   
  
Nodding and moving, but still inextricably close to the blonde, Cosima led them to the car she had waiting.

 

\\\\\

 

They had been driving for forty-five minutes, Cosima behind the wheel, Delphine growing impatient. “How far exactly must we go before I can touch you?” The blonde’s hand slipped suggestively over Cosima’s thighs, her tracing and skimming growing ever closer to her destination the longer they drove. Her voice was still husky, eyes dark.

 

“It’s a cabin in the woods, I promise it’s worth the wait.” Cosima was becoming less nervous about being found by Paul but increasingly anxious about her relationship with Delphine.

 

Delphine sighed in acceptance, still twirling her fingers against Cosima through her pants. Staring at Cosima’s profile for several extended minutes, she finally leaned over the console to press a quick kiss against the exposed skin of the brunette’s neck. Cosima’s eyes fluttered. Delphine slumped back into her seat but continued to stare. “You make me feel like a feather.” The blonde spoke simply.

 

Cosima glanced from the road to Delphine curiously. “Tickly?” She offered a small smile.

 

“Like I’m billowing.” Delphine corrected, her eyes shone sincerity and lust.

 

Cosima tried to even her breathing, but couldn’t help the dreadful feeling that Sarah may have been right.

 

///

 

They pulled up to the small wooden structure, Cosima glancing at the clock in the dashboard. It wasn’t quite midnight, they still had time to get inside before Scott would send the call…

 

Cosima got the front door opened with a creak as Delphine draped herself over the shorter woman’s body, murmurs and kisses dropped casually. They stepped inside, a quick flick and warm recessed lights illuminated the small but modernly updated cabin. Delphine hummed approvingly. “You were right, it was worth the wait.” She grinned at Cosima, pulling the woman closer by the lapels of her jacket. “So are we going to pretend to sit on the couch or would you like to take me straight to the bed?”

 

Cosima’s mouth hung open, warmth flooding her body and pooling below her waist. But she was saved by a shrill chirping coming from Delphine’s small purse. “I should have left this in the car,” Delphine grumbled, searching for and quickly finding her phone. The number seemed familiar, she swiped to accept the call automatically.

 

The screeching feedback reverberating through her ears was _un_ familiar. She grimaced and with a wince dropped to her knees, the phone fell and thumped several feet across the floor. Cosima was already beside Delphine on the floor, wide eyes growing with panic. The blonde had both hands clutched to her head as Cosima watched on in fearful uselessness.

 

Delphine felt as if someone had just tossed a firecracker into her ear. It sizzled and burned through her brain, visions swirling in a confused mass as slowly they gained clarity and began to manifest more fully. Her heart was thundering and she felt her throat filling with saliva. The intense searing increased, her head beginning to feel like it was being cleaved. She tried to open her eyes but spinning disorientation made the nausea rise even faster. She shoved forward anyway, tearing open the front door and bursting out into the cool wooded air. She flung herself to the handrail and began emptying the contents of her stomach into the night.

 

Cosima had trailed behind, hovering just outside of the door, nervous and ready to rush forward should the blonde falter. After a final retch, Delphine stumbled back, letting her legs fold and her body fall to the floor of the wooden porch. She tucked her knees to her chest, her breath puffing rapidly, verging on hyperventilation. The images were still flashing quickfire behind her eyes, she could barely follow a thread of the narrative.

 

Cosima had edged closer, quietly sitting beside Delphine on the ground. Scott had said it could be bad, but she had to help in some way. She gently touched the blonde’s shoulder to be met with a flinch. Hazel eyes tried to focus on her face but seemed unable, and Delphine clenched them shut again. Cosima made her voice low and easy, “Delphine?”  
  


And then Delphine’s eyes snapped open, horror-stricken at the word. In her mind, the memories fell like dominoes in a row.

 

She remembered.

 

A sob broke from her mouth, torn from her heaving chest. She desperately tried to breathe around the tears, choking more than talking. “What have you done to me?”

 

She finally found Cosima’s eyes; the brunette saw everything reflected, but most brightly, her own wrongdoing.

 

\\\\\

 

They sat in silence for over an hour, the crickets’ chirping blanketing them in a calm soundtrack. But inside, Delphine’s head still screamed, she was still flicking over endless streams of all of her lives, back far enough that she remembered _Delphine’s_ life, the one she had run from five years ago.

 

Cosima hadn’t tried to touch her again, absorbed by guilt and ensconced in shame. Sarah _had_ been right and Cosima found herself fumbling to make sense of her mistake. How could she have been so selfish and thoughtless? She _knew_ Sarah was right, she was just as manipulative as Dyad. She wanted Delphine, the same as all of the other clients. She had convinced herself that she wanted what was best, an altruistic venture, but it was still rooted in _wanting_.

 

Delphine finally inhaled deeply, raising her head to look at the brunette whose own gaze was still buried in thoughts. Delphine swallowed, her mouth bitter and dry. “Cosima, ‘Dreads,’ Beth...who are you really?” Her eyes were distrustful, no longer imprinted with syrupy attraction to the other woman, no longer the perfect date.

 

“Cosima,” The name cracked as it crossed her lips. Delphine continued staring expectantly for more. “I’m...I’m just a hacker. I mean, a techie private eye, basically.” Delphine sat quietly as Cosima explained her involvement in the blonde’s life. An emotion, anger or hurt, passed over Delphine’s features as Cosima explained the involvement of the woman’s parents. “They didn’t arrange this part though…” Cosima sounded nervous. “They paid me off over a year ago. I...I did all of this.” She was squeezing her hands together tightly. “I’m sorry, Delphine.”

 

The blonde let out a shaky breath and dropped her head back onto her knees, eyes closed. “I was there voluntarily, Cosima. I signed a contract with Dyad.” The memory rose behind her eyes, her empty stare, her hollowed body, the dissolving of a soul.

 

She opened her eyes again to see the empathy and resignation in Cosima’s face. The brunette let out a defeated sigh. “I really fucked up this time. I can take you back...I’m sorry. Just...tell me what you want, and I’ll make it happen.” Cosima’s heart was racing with anxiety again with the thought of confronting Dyad after what she had done.

 

Delphine was silent for another thoughtful few minutes. “Right now, I just want to sleep.”

 

Cosima nodded in acquiescence, both bodies rising and filing back inside the glowing cabin.

 

\\\\\

 

Cosima jolted awake, her neck stiff and arms flailing as she tumbled over the edge of the compact couch cushion. She grasped for her glasses, shoving and blinking into cleared vision. She stared at the door, bracing herself for Paul to slam through, enacting the dream she had been wrenched from. By the time her heart had settled, her shoulders had resumed a slump, relieved but anxious over the events she’d brewed into existence. She pressed her feet flat on the hard floor, wedged between the coffee table and the couch.

 

In the bedroom, Delphine startled at the loud thump from the living room. She swallowed the sleep still in her throat, and slowly stretched her limbs. She felt a bodily difference but couldn’t quite place it. Sitting up slowly she saw her discarded dress on the floor, instead propelling herself towards the plain dresser in the corner of the room. She found an oversized and soft flannel shirt. It smelled of cedar as she slipped her arms in the sleeves, her fingers working the buttons shut.

 

She glanced down, it hit mid-thigh, less revealing than the dress she had worn last night. She let out a breath, holding onto the dresser for support as more memories washed out her senses. These of last night, of her body pressed into the soft warmth of Cosima’s in the alley, hungry lips and sweet scents. But she didn’t feel the same sense of nausea swelling at these memories of designed touches, kisses and affections. She felt worry and uncertainty. She still hadn’t regained trust in her own thoughts, hadn’t parceled the imprints into compartments.

 

Why, as she and Cosima entered the cabin last night, after Cosima wordlessly gestured to the bedroom while slumping herself onto the small couch, why had something nagged, a small tug, urging her to bring the brunette into the bedroom with her?

 

She shook her head, remembering the noise from the living room, remembering that Dyad may actually try to pursue her. But didn’t she want them to, anyway?

 

She pushed open the bedroom door cautiously, seeing Cosima on the floor, eyes shut. Delphine moved forward to make herself known, but Cosima still was unaware. The blonde cleared her throat. Cosima’s head snapped upright, seeing Delphine, eyes wandering over the shirt loosely hanging from her form.

 

“Hi,” Cosima croaked, quickly standing as Delphine took a few steps closer. “I…” The rest of the words faltered in her mouth. She frowned minutely, but Delphine studied her expression. “I’ll go make coffee.” Cosima offered instead, shuffling behind the couch and towards the small kitchen.

 

Delphine leaned her weight against the couch, let her eyes follow Cosima’s actions. The teapot pulled from the cabinet, filled with well water from the sink. Cosima’s precision striking a match and sparking the range, the gentle placement of the kettle over licking yellows and blues. She traced her arms, following the sinews, feeling like a bee following a stem.

 

There was something about Cosima that she dared not trust, but the tightness around her stomach made her feel heat-seeking around the other woman.

 

Eventually, Cosima placed a steaming mug before the blonde on the counter. The same anxiety was visible in Cosima’s eyes, and before Delphine could open her mouth Cosima was pointing back toward the kitchen. “I’m gonna make breakfast too,” Her eyes were unusually fleeting. “Um, there’s a shower, if you want one. And there should be...other clean clothes in the dresser. If you want.” Delphine nodded, hoping to calm the woman with some time to herself.

 

\\\\\

 

She walked back out to the kitchen to discover a well-seasoned scramble that she shared quietly seated beside Cosima, who at least seemed less unnerved to look at her now that she wore a plain black t-shirt and adequately fitting shorts.

 

Cosima sipped her coffee again, despite her already jangling nerves.

 

“Thank you for breakfast,” Delphine was soft. Cosima nodded.

 

Her thoughts ran on for a few more moments, until she couldn’t help herself. “Do you want me to take you back?” Where wasn’t necessary.

 

Delphine stared at her face, tried to rationalize how she felt _safe_. It seemed like a trick.

 

“I need another day.” Her reply was simple, as was Cosima’s nod. The brunette slowly stood and cleared their empty plates, busying herself in the procession of dish washing, leaving Delphine once again in the privacy to observe as much as she wished.

 

\\\\\

 

There was a modest bookshelf, but whoever filled its shelves had cherry picked works that lent well to the environment and the mindscapes it might inspire. Delphine ran her fingers over the spines. One memory she couldn’t access entirely was when she had last picked up a book to read for pleasure. Perhaps she was a child. She paused over Woolf, plucking the worn cover and settling neatly on a corner of the couch.

 

Cosima emerged from the shower, swallowed in an oversized sweater, and halted as she observed Delphine’s silent activity. The blonde looked up after realizing she was being watched, meeting Cosima’s eye and feeling like a torch was sinking into her chest. Cosima smiled softly, averting her eyes quickly and blinking away loving sentiments not covered quickly enough to escape Delphine.

 

\\\\\

 

They spent three more days following a similar routine. Cosima had not asked her anymore questions, other than her preference for breakfast and dinner. Delphine had just started her third novel, Cosima quietly clicking her laptop, this time sharing the couch with the blonde. They still sat at opposite ends.

 

Delphine suddenly put down her book, staring deliberately at Cosima’s profile. Her eyes traced her glasses and nose, lips and chin, and back again. The warmth in her chest was present, pressure pushing her into action. With a sock covered foot, she nudged her toes into Cosima’s thigh.

 

Cosima looked up, pushing her glasses further up her nose. She tried to read Delphine’s face, but had difficulty. “Did you just kick me? Intentionally?” Her mouth barely tugged up at the corner, and Delphine was struck with the memories of the largeness of Cosima’s grin, how that same magnitude had yet to appear since Delphine had regained her sense of self.

 

“I tapped you with my foot.” Delphine held her gaze. “Intentionally.”

 

“Delphine, a foot connecting with any other object is a kick.” Cosima’s voice was almost playful, but Delphine nearly trembled at the sound of her name spoken. Cosima noticed the shift in the blonde’s eyes. “Sorry, if I said something wrong.”

 

“No,” Delphine shook her head. Another breath and she continued. “There’s something about you. It made me nervous at first, I thought you had brainwashed me. Like them. But it’s not that...it’s just you,” Delphine finished. Her foot was still pressed into Cosima.

 

“I’m just as bad as them, honestly...I-”

 

Delphine shushed her. “You’re not, trust me. I have some recollection now, after all.” Cosima closed her mouth as Delphine shifted closer. “Though you were very insistent to get me to notice you…” She nudged Cosima with her shoulder, trying to ease the other woman’s self-deprecation. “But you’re just you. You’re...genuine.”

 

Cosima still didn’t relent, “Yeah, a genuine fool.”

 

Delphine placed her hand over Cosima’s. It instantly quieted the brunette, who now sat staring at the blonde’s fair skin. “Do you want to know why I did it?”

 

Cosima tried to interpret the question, she looked guilty and pained again. “I do, but you really don’t owe me anything. You don’t have to tell me.”

 

“Does your driver’s license say that you are an organ donor?” The blonde proceeded.

 

“I, uh, yes.” Cosima tilted her head.

 

“When I made that decision five years ago at Dyad, I felt like I was just providing that promise to science a little earlier than other people.” The blonde swallowed and took her eyes away from Cosima’s. “I didn’t want to live. So why not donate my body?”

 

Cosima slipped her fingers between Delphine’s, pressing their palms together. The blonde looked up, misty-eyed, at the stranger who had forced herself into the role of Delphine’s resuscitator, her necromancer. “I’m here...only for you,” Cosima admitted. “I’m here to listen to anything you want to talk about.”

 

The next several hours of the night were interspersed with quiet murmurings and silent tears. Salty drops and Cosima’s warm palm pressed tight despite the perspiration gathering and sliding between their fingers. Delphine opened a valve, one she couldn’t even remember for the past five years. Memories she had purposefully erased. Harm and hunger, desperation and disrespect, abuse and aloneness.

 

Delphine’s words had begun to taper off, her well spent of emotional excavation, the distance between her body and Cosima’s indiscriminate. She softly let her head fall to Cosima’s shoulder, angling into the crook and inhaling.

 

“Despite it all, I still like that you smell of lavender.”

 

\\\\\

 

Cosima prepared a simple dinner, this time Delphine hovered inside of the kitchen. She chopped the few vegetables on the cutting board, Cosima offering her a grateful smile before scooping them into the pan and focusing on stirring and spicing. Delphine felt unhelpful lingering behind the other woman out of her desire for closeness, and absently began opening cabinets to peer inside. Behind the doors over the refrigerator, she halted in her game. She let out a low whistle that caught Cosima’s attention. The brunette’s eyes sparked as she saw Delphine’s discovery. “Oh yeah, that…”

 

Delphine was already easily reaching up and pulling down the full glass decanter of whiskey. “My favorite.” Delphine winked, catching Cosima off guard and pulling a toothy grin from her reserve.

 

\\\\\

 

They had since finished dinner and were each a few shots of whiskey into their evening. Their chests felt lighter, breaths easier as the alcohol relaxed the edge of their nerves. Delphine found herself staring at Cosima’s lips again. Without hesitation, she slipped her foot to Cosima’s leg, brushing it gently underneath the table.

 

The blush was immediate over Cosima’s cheeks. It made Delphine chew her bottom lip.

 

Cosima cleared her throat nervously, pushing the whiskey back to the center of the table. “I think that’s good enough for me.” Delphine nodded her agreement, still focused intensely on Cosima.

 

Cosima was fearful of meeting her eyes, of revealing something she shouldn’t place upon Delphine. But Delphine’s low voice drew her forth.

 

“I didn’t want to acknowledge it until I was sure it was my truth,” She began, leaning across the table to brush a thumb over Cosima’s cheekbone. “But I am deeply attracted to you, Cosima.”

 

A verbal response seemed unnecessary as Cosima willingly met Delphine halfway, closing the distance with a rush of lips pressed together. Delphine hungrily drew her in, running her tongue along Cosima’s, pulling back only after dragging her teeth across Cosima’s bottom lip.

 

“I want to go to bed with you,” Delphine saw the responding nod and allowed Cosima to take her hand, traipsing towards the small bedroom.

 

\\\\\

 

Cosima was gentle and compliant, Delphine initiating full contact by rolling on top of her and letting her hips settle into a slow grind. She pulled Cosima into another deep kiss, this time eliciting a moan from Cosima’s chest and making Delphine’s hip jolt in response. When Cosima finally pressed her fingers against Delphine, rolling them over only after a pleaded “touch me” mumbled against hot skin, the blonde felt a rush of emotions that she swallowed, instead focusing on the tendrils of pleasure reaching further and further the more she rocked against Cosima’s deft hand.

 

Cosima positioned her own hips behind her thrusting hand, Delphine’s hands grasping at her shoulders, waist, hips, the motion verging on thrashing, before the blonde arched into a long and low moan of satiety. Cosima tumbled over the edge with a final few thrusts, watching Delphine’s face, feeling her muscles clench around her.

 

Cosima eased her fingers from Delphine slowly, falling forward onto the blonde, her head nuzzling soft pale skin, lips pressed reverently and repeatedly over Delphine’s clavicle.

 

Delphine hugged Cosima’s form further into her own. “This is the first memory I’ve wanted to keep in a long time,” she hushed, for Cosima’s ears only.

 

Cosima held her tongue but pressed another meaningful kiss into Delphine’s skin, leaving behind her sentiment. _I’m falling in love with you_.

 

\\\\\

 

They had just finished another breakfast, this one much more interspersed with bodily contact, chaste kisses over busy hands, Delphine pressing into Cosima from behind while she slowly stirred the cast iron. Cosima had just sighed into a smile, as she let her own game of gentle footsy begin with Delphine under the table, when they both started at the noise.

 

It was Cosima’s ringtone, blaring loudly from the living room. She made a noise close to “ugh” and went looking for the intrusion. It stopped ringing before she discovered it, but immediately began again with a second phone call. “Jesus christ,” Cosima muttered, finally finding the phone shoved between couch cushions. _SCOTT_.

 

Cosima hesitated, eyes flicking up to find Delphine’s already reflecting the same fear.

 

“Hello?” The word felt like it took forever to fall out of her mouth.

 

“The cabin’s been compromised. I suggest getting over state lines, STAT.”

 

“Thanks.” She ended the call without waiting for more. Her voice sounded hollow.

 

Delphine strode forward to meet her. The meaning was already hanging and waiting, but she said it anyway. “Dyad.” Cosima barely got the word out. And then she waited, staring into Delphine’s eyes. The blonde looked back, realizing Cosima was offering her the deck for dealing.

 

“Run away with me?” It was almost a question, before she continued. “I don’t blame you for all of this, but I can’t do it alone.” Her voice was raw, she felt more connected to Cosima than to any other person alive.

 

Cosima was already wrapping her in a hug. “I won’t stop running,” She mumbled into Delphine’s ear, pressing a kiss into her neck.

  
Delphine was terrified, but calm. Her heart was racing but her emotions were still as she clutched onto Cosima. She could still smell lavender.


End file.
